All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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