He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
