U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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