Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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