where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
