We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
