i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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