How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
