You can't motorboat a personality
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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