My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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