took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she told me i tasted like america
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
