I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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