Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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