when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
