I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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