I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize