Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
