In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
