If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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