dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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