Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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