do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
