I want to have your abortion
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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