I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hippo gnu deer
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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