The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
