I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
