I skipped work to stalk him.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
