tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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