that's an acceptable place to lick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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