I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
