My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
