fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
