pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
