I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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