Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize