I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize