If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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