Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
