I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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