I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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