The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
