What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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