rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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