I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
