you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
