I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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