seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
