You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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