I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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