I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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