why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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