I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
