My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
