So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
