I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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