The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
