you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we're making bets on your personal life
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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