I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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