My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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