guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Randomize
