Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
