You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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