On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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