oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
