dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
