Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
