Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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