just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
