that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
